She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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