I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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