I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
