this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
