Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
