He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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