Screwed.edu
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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