dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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