Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
