I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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