ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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