I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
