I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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