nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
