The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
