My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
