pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
