he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
