Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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