I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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