Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
