I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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