I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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