WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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