I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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