Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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