I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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