i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
