Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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