your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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