just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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