No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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