I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
