Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
