Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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