I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
