Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
