It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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