More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
