if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
