They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
