An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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