He kissed a someone with a penis
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
