I wish I only lived at night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
