I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
