When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
