we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
