you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Come on in and take your pants off
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