He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
