that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
