just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
