I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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