I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
