I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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