yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm like, not good at living.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
