Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
