walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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