I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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