You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
