then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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